Change

A New Normal…

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

Well it has honestly been months since I’ve made a post and that is mostly because I started a new internship at my church back in March and have been going nonstop with my schooling. To be honest I never thought I would make it this far, let alone my mom make it this far. It has been over a year since the diagnosis (April, 2015) and this rollercoaster of a journey started, but I am glad to say that we are much better and have come a very very veeeerrryyy long way. The new oncologist that we transferred to back in October has changed our new normal once again and has brought the gift of life back into our home. My mom has been given a new chemo regiment, which is a pill she takes everyday and a shot she gets once a month. Her hair has also grown back and continues to grow and best of all I am no longer needing to plan a funeral anytime soon. Life is starting to be good again and there is much hope for the future, but cancer does have its ups and downs. Though we are good and continously getting better, with how aggressive her cancer was from the point of diagnosis to the time it had spread, we will probably never hear the words remission or cancer free. It’s sad and breaks all of our hearts, but we have found a treatment that won’t promise 100 years, but allow her to live a long and healthy life…well minus the cancer part, but still healthy other than that. This is our new normal. For me, I’m still in school and still online, I have this amazing internship that I absolutely love, my mom is actually back working and teaching, and every Tuesday once a month we meet up at the cancer center for her treatment and to talk with the Doctor. I never thought I would ever say this in my life, but I am thankful that my mom got cancer and I know that sounds weird, but just hear me out…because of her getting cancer I have learned to appreciate life more, have grown and matured in so many ways, have found want I meant to do with my life, and especially learned to love like it’s going to be the last time every single day. Cancer sucks, trust me it does, and when you lose the one you love it’s a pain and hurt that never goes away, but it also changes you as a person. It grows and stretches you in so many different ways that you come out wiser, more appreciative, and especially more loving towards the ones around you. It wasn’t until I was sitting in yet another waiting room across from a mother and daughter pair, that were around the same age as my mother and I, that I noticed the daughter was the one with a sticker on her shirt and the one battling for her life. 

…our cancer journey could have easily started with my diagnosis instead of my mothers and there were and are still some days that I wish I could’ve taken it from her and still think that it should’ve been me, but it wasn’t and sometimes I don’t even understand why, but I know that someday I will. I will understand the reason for all of this, sharing my story, writing this blog, battling cancer, but I will wait patiently until then because if I have learned anything from this entire journey, it’s that God’s timing definitely does not line up with our timing and the way we want things to happen. Well, we still have a long journey ahead as we continue our battle and keep on fighting the good fight, but for now we will continue to learn our new normal and hope and pray that there isn’t yet another new one any time soon. 

So until next time… 

The Caregiver ❤️

“Comfortable?”

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

Well as you all know my mom was suppose to have surgery on October 14th….yeah that didn’t happen! These doctors are so frustrating at the most vital moments. We went to the hospital the Monday before for preop and the nurse said she was only suppose to have a single mastectomy, which is opposite of what the surgeon and oncologist originally told us, that she would be outpatient,  and I was to take her home after surgery. This was the opposite of everything we discussed. We then rush to the surgeons office to see what’s going on and they said once he gets back to the office after surgery they would talk with him, so we left feeling a little bit better and then headed to meet with the oncologist. I have grown to despise this man to the furthest degree. We go in to the office to meet with him after that terrible morning and see what’s going on and he says he would put in the order for the double mastectomy as planned, but he now decides to look over the  results of the echocardiogram and CT scan that he has had for the past month and a half. Well he soon discovers a lesion on her lung and reveals to us that the cancer has spread into both of her lungs. We take the news calmly and ask to find out the game plan of how we can fix this and all he tells us is to go home. Next thing we know the surgery is canceled, her cancer is spread, and instead of discussing our options, the head nurse of the center gives us a call the next day saying we are to come in first thing tomorrow to go back on the same chemo regiment that damaged her heart and almost killed her. Now I may seem dramatic in the way I’m describing this or may be just speaking out of anger, but when the one person you are suppose to trust to make the wisest decision that will most benefit you turn it around, you will gain some very pointed questions, and think of using some choice words. So instead we refuse the treatment because where he had promised to give a milder chemo he wants to return the use of the “Red Devil,” (chemo) which she has already had a lifetime supply of and has been told she can never receive again. We discuss this with him once again and he finally agrees to a milder chemotherapy that will essentially have the same effect. Or atleast that’s what he told us. After doing a little research while sitting by my mother in the chemo room of these new drugs, I discover that these drugs are not milder by any mean, and cause side effects such as stroke, paralyses, heart attacks, oh and the biggest one, death. Yeah, they are much milder. We were then asked if we were spiritual and told to seek guidance because in a couple weeks, I was most likely going  to be planning my own mothers funeral. So instead of fighting for her life and helping us become cancer free, we were speeding up death so this could all be done and over with. When I saw the words, “We will make you as COMFORTABLE as possible,” spill out of his mouth like vomit, I knew that a major chapter was about to begin in my life and it was one that I was not ready to read quite yet. My heart sank, my breath had left me, and tears were ready to roll, but I knew that now was not the time for panic but for a fighting spirit. After everything we’ve gone through together, I was not about to lose her because some doctor neglected to takethe  time to read a CT scan when it first landed on his desk. I got on the phone with multiple cancer centers looking for help, for hope, and for someone just that would be willing to look over her case for a second opinion that was hopefully different from the death sentence we just received. Well my current update is that we have a new doctor finally after being turned down by I think three or four now due to terrible insurance and we were given a new sense of hope and most importantly life. He told us that she has many more years to be looking forward to and many more holidays. He doesn’t understand anything this doctor was prescribing or even why because he literally was leading us down death row. After hearing this we were hopeful again, but we still had one more battle to face from the last doctor and that was the side effects that could still take her life in the next three weeks. I’m happy to announce we are almost at the end of week three and are looking forward to week four. I want to thank all of you that prayed for her surgery, but now we need your prayers for healing, for this new treatment to work, and for hope. As I’ve watched this chemo begin to take its toll on her, I could see a look of death on her face and I could hear it in her short breath. I naturally prepared for the worst and hoped for the best and now the best is yet to come. My advice to you if you know anyone that is battling cancer or even if you are going through it yourself, never settle for comfortable. There are more doctors opinions out there that are smarter than the one before and you have to keep fighting no matter what. It’s not over until you decide to give up, and giving up is not an option. Sorry, buts it’s not. There are people that are living better lives because of you and you make this world a brighter and happier place. Never forget that. So until next time…

Sincerely,

The Caregiver  ❤️

Fighting till the End

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

Here it is! We have finally reached the month of October. Not only is it Breast Cancer Awareness month, but we have received an important phone call in the last week. As you already know, as of August 31st my mom finished her chemo treatments, but could not move on to do surgery because of her heart. Tomorrow we go back to the Cardiologist, so that they can do yet another echocardiogram to double (really triple) check her heart to make sure everything is okay to proceed. The phone call that happened came in last Wednesday was to set the date of her surgery. We have been on a stand still for the past two weeks, mostly on purpose so that she could rest, but now we begin to prep for this next new chapter. Her surgery will be held on October 14th, but we will begin prep October 12th, so I beg for your prayers on those days. I am excited for this next chapter but at the same time, I am scared to death. I am scared for her and I am scared for me as well. I have no idea what this chapter holds or what will be written into our story. I have never be really active during Breast Cancer Awareness, yet if we are all honest with each other no one truly is until you or some one you love is going through it. I never would have dreamed that this would be my life or that I would be living the life I am right now. Ever since my parents divorced and my mom, second oldest brother, and I ran for our lives from an abusive father my worst nightmare was that my mom would get sick and I lose her. In these situations in life, I become like everyone else and hope for the best but fear the worst. I love my mom so so much and I honestly do not know what I’d do without her. We have this thing that we do every night before I go to bed and as I get up to leave the room I’ll tell her,” I love you mommy.” She’ll reply by saying, “I love you sissy,” I’ll say I love you more, she’ll say I love you most, and then to end this constant back and forth I’ll say, “I love you more than most.” From the time I was a little girl, she’s always told me that I love you from the moon and back. We share these simple words between us, but to us they mean the world. As her surgery day approaches it seems as everything has become real. I have been by her side through every doctors appointment, every chemo treatment, losing her hair, becoming discouraged, no longer wanting to fight, and I’m still here now. I found this picture on the internet that said, “Her battle is my battle, and I’ll be supporting her till she wins.” No matter how long it takes I’ll be there for my momma and no one can tell me otherwise. I don’t know why God allowed my mom to get cancer or why we are in the situation we are in now, but I have to trust that he has a plan for us and a plan for me. I would have no hope if I didn’t and would be very lost even more than I am now. I long for the day that the doctors declare my mom cancer free and can only hope that, that day will be someday soon. I ask that you keep my family in your prayers these next few weeks as we are facing a lot of change. I also ask that you comment any prayer requests that you have. I love my followers and everyone that reads my posts and I would love to pray for you! Until next time…

Sincerely,

The Caregiver ❤️

XOXO

Being in the Now

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

It has seemed like forever since I’ve posted so I thought since I have some free time right now, why not do an update? With every ending there is always a beginning just how as one door closes another one opens. Though the ending may not be wanted or a certain door is just to hard to close, we all must move on eventually. Well as of August 31st my mom officially finished chemotherapy! Yaaaayyy!!! She had to take three chemos each treatment but by her fifth treatment, one of them began to really damage her heart so they took her off it and continued the other two. For awhile they thought her heart wasn’t going to be able to go through surgery and with how fast her heart capacity was decreasing I began to fear losing my mother. We went back and forth to different diagnostic centers, cardiologists, and hospitals to run all these tests to see what was going on to only find out there was nothing wrong with her heart. I have also began to theorize that all these doctors run all these tests just to make sure you are spending enough money. These last few treatments have really taken a toll on her but she’s fighting through it better than anyone I know. We begin our new chapter of this fight by now discussing surgery and making a new game plan for what’s going to happen next. In the midst of all of this, I also have began a new chapter in my life. I have began my freshman year of college and I honestly couldn’t be happier. When my mom was first diagnosed she was given six weeks to live. My plans for my future fell through the floor because I couldn’t see my life without her in it. I originally had planned to attend a school up in North Carolina with a full-ride scholarship which was where my older brother had attended but with my mom now as sick as she was, my plans changed pretty fast and last minute. She was diagnosed the day before I was supposed to sign the dotted line so it was obvious that God did not want me at that university. I am now taking online classes through a college much closer to home so I can be by her side every step of the way. If all goes well I will be living on campus next year but until then I will wake up every morning, enjoy a warm cup of coffee, snuggle up with a blanket, and begin class. So in other words I have absolutely no complaints and am very happy at this moment in my life despite everything else that’s going on. It’s hard to find happiness in the midst of this kind of a mess but it’s even harder to hold on to that happiness. I’ve learned just how important it is to enjoy the little moments and to find joy in those little things. If you take things seriously all the time, you will only stress yourself out and be miserable. It’s important to stay positive, be happy, and to enjoy being in the now! Until next time….

Sincerely,

The Caregiver ❤️ 

The Bitter Truth 

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

In the past 5 months I have been told multiple cancer stories as I sit in wait in the cancer center but I have never told my own. Don’t worry I don’t have cancer, but as you already know my mom does. It was nearing the end of my high school career as graduation was only 30 days away and I was finally going to be 18 in only 15 days. To be honest I’ve never been to hospitals and cancer centers so much in my life since the diagnosis. The day she was diagnosed I already new what it was before she even told me. Around 12 pm I had called her on my lunch break to see how her doctor appointment was going and she could barely talk and then hung up. In that moment I knew everything that I needed to know. That afternoon as I was picked up early from school, taken out for ice cream, and then driven home where my worst nightmares had became true. I became so devastated that it felt like I couldn’t breathe or think or do anything. I just layed in my bed and stared up at the roof as music was playing  in the background as every scenario played through my head and tears rolled down my face. At this point all I could process was that my mom had cancer and she had been given 6 weeks to live but on the upside she had the “good kind of cancer,” which in my opinion is the biggest oxymoron I’ve ever heard. My world at that point stopped spinning, my breath was faint, and I gave up on school, on friends, on everything. Nothing seemed to be important or worth while to me anymore. My mom was my life and we have been together through everything and now I was about to lose her too. I haven’t been able to sleep in months now and when I do it’s maybe around 3 or 4 am. I hear my mom get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or wake up from a bad dream and every night I hear her say that she hates having cancer and is just tired of it all. We’ve been battling this for almost 5 months now and as every treatment comes and goes we face new challenges with each one trying to stay as positive as we can. God never promised us that this life would be easy and trust me when I say that it truly hasn’t. Over the past 8 years of my life it has been far from easy but everything happens for a reason right? So you want to know the truth about cancer? Here’s the truth, you may think that because it’s not in your family history or you may rarely get sick, so your clear from ever getting cancer but my mom did to and there is no reason of to why she got cancer except for too much stress in her life and being in an abusive marriage for 24 years of her life. Cancer doesn’t care who you are or where you are in your life, when it chooses you, all I can say is that you better be prepared for the fight of life because something like this changes you forever. It happens like an earthquake and spreads like a poison. But honestly it’s things like this that can also mends friendships and relationships and it’s sad but it also has the power to either bring a family together or tear it apart and that’s the bitter truth. But through this time in your life  whether you are takin care of some one with cancer or are going through it, family and true friends are one of the most important things to have when you’re trying to beat this. There will be days where you feel so alone and like everyone could care less but if you look hard enough there is always some one that is going to be there for you and it’s important that you find that some one. You will need them to listen when you need to talk, to have a shoulder to cry on when you’re upset, to cheer you up when your down, and most importantly to make you laugh. I believe that laughter is the most important medicine and you’ll need to learn to laugh at the little things because without laughter it’s hard to stay positive through the hard days. So I hope you’re laughing until next time…

Sincerely,

The Caregiver ❤️ 

The Life of a Caregiver

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

With being the caregiver of someone no matter the situation, you acquire new stresses in your life that you may or may not have had before and they can majorly in fact take a big tole on you, if we all are being honest with ourselves. It not only stretches you in every direction but with each and every day there is a new challenge. Each and every night I lay awake as I wait for my mom to finally rest her head and fall asleep so that I can know she’s okay before I go to sleep. I’m up every morning preparing breakfast, cleaning the house, keeping up with all the laundry just to make sure that she can take the proper time to take care of herself. Earlier this summer my grandmother was hospitalized with an infection that turned into septsis which about killed her. Now she’s home and we have therapists that come to the house to help her get back on her feet but when they aren’t around I’m on call for anything and everything she needs. My life has taken quite the turn of events and for being only 18, I have been made to grown up far beyond my years. Being the caregiver comes with being willing to do what others need over what you need but it also comes with watching your family members hurt and seem helpless. I do whatever I can  for my family and make whatever sacrifices that need to be made.  This job comes with much difficulty but it has the power to change a persons perspective on life entirely. Through this period of time in my life I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so much in my life. I’ve never been more hopeful, grateful for the small things , and content with what I have. But most of all and most importantly I’m thankful for my health and being able to get up each morning living and breathing because each day had become a gift. I see so many people come and go through these hospitals and cancer centers some in remission and off to begin their life again and some leave being dearly missed by their families. My life may seem to be so hard and difficult at times that I just want to give up everything and quit. Yet when I stop focusing on myself for a minute and actually take the time to take a step back, take a deep breath, and look around not only at the world around me but the people around me I see that I have it good. There are so many other people that are in fact better off and seem to have it easier than I do but there are also so many lives hurting more than I am and see me as being the lucky one. Being the caregiver is never easy, but being the person being taken care of and going through what their going through is a million times harder. Even though I wish I could take my moms cancer away and fight it for her, she is so much stronger than I am and I probably wouldn’t be able to fight this as well and as amazing as she already is. She truly is my hero. So in the end when times are getting rough and you think life is just not worth it anymore, take a step back and look around you because you might just be surprised at how good you have it compared to others. Until next time…..

Sincerely,

The Caregiver ❤️ 

A Priceless Treasure

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

Over the years after moving from place to place I’ve cultivated many friendships but there are very few of them that have remained to stay in my life and they have become my best friends. One of them is away at college most of the time so we don’t get to see each other much or spend time together but we keep in touch and the other well we act like we never get to see each other but him and I are like two peas in a pod and so much more alike than people would suspect. But anyway, when I think about the story of how our friendship started I can’t really tell you one because it kind of just one day began and then instantaneously grew into something quite interesting to be honest. He has stuck by my side in this little adventurous life of mine through all the ups and downs and I honestly have no idea what I would do without him because I would be lost. He is truly my best friend and the one who keeps me sane even though sometimes he drives me insane. When my mother first got diagnosed it seemed as if my life was over and nothing was worth the effort anymore. As I went to school the next day although I did my best to cover my puffy eyes and face up, he saw right through me and knew something was wrong. I could barely get the words out to tell him that she had cancer without getting choked up and crying but he was the only person I trusted and knew that I could confide in. He hugged me so tight that day I think he popped a rib back into place which inevitably wasn’t a bad thing and I have become so grateful for the relationship we have. We have laughed together and cried together but above all and most importantly we have been there for each other through thick and thin and it means the world to me. Well anyway enough about that weirdo, when anything bad or tough occurs in your life you very quickly find out who your true friends are. They are the ones that are there for you no matter what you’re going through and only have your best interest at heart because they truly care about you. These are the kind of people that you should not only have but want in your life. They are the ones you need to keep around because they are going to stick around for the long haul. So take the time to make those kind of  friendships and to invest in your friends lives because in the end they become a priceless treasure. I hope that you not only like this post but also comment about a friend in your life that has become a priceless treasure because I would love to read your stories. So until next time….

Sincerely, 

The Caregiver ❤️ 

A Moment For A Tear

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My heart breaks each and every day that passes by. The pain in my heart grows but I never show it for fear to bring everyone else down when it is vital to keep spirits high. But every now and then I find time usually right before I go to sleep to create a single moment to shed a tear just for a minute. I hate cancer and all that comes with it. This is an agonizing journey and we are not even half way through it. The days of treatment like today seem to last forever and not end. You sit in wait as they pump these toxic chemicals into your body with intentions  to kill the cancer but in reality they seem to be slowly killing you. I have come to know and meet so many people who are either going through cancer, have cancer, or know some one with cancer and they all have stories to tell. Some are happy and very encouraging and others to be honest scare the crap out of me. The stories that I fear the most of coming true are the ones of beating cancer but the chemo beating you. I mean honestly, how unfair is that? You beat cancer and become cancer free but your body has become so tired that in a way you still lose. Throughout this battle you become very aware of the value of life and it’s the little moments that count the most because those are the ones you want to hold onto and hope will last forever. I fear losing my mom because  she is all I got left. I know that on my blog I post about staying positive and you’re probably thinking that I need to listen to my own advice but when you live this, even breathing can seem like a chore. I know there are so many people out in the world that are worse off than I and its different for the people who actually go through cancer but watching the person you love the most go through this hurts you from the inside out but they above all can never know for fear of them losing what hope and fight that they have. In the end to kind of turn this around and give you something to take from this, every now and then it’s good to cry and let it all out so that you can heal and move on so that you can be strong for the people you love and I know this may not be a positive post, but it was a needed one. So thank you for letting me rant and for actually taking the time to read this through. But most of all I thank you for sharing my moment for a tear. 

Sincerely, 

The Caregiver ❤️ 

A Life of Hope 

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

It’s one thing to take care of some one with cancer and it’s something completely different to actually have and go through cancer. Everything in your life changes and you begin an emotional roller coaster. You have your good days and then you have your bad days which seem to occur more often than the good days if we are all being honest and as I sit by and watch my own mother go through this it breaks my heart to think that I can’t do anything to help her get through this. I can’t heal her body, I can’t take the cancer away, and most of all I can’t fight this for her. But I can be there for her when she needs me and help her when I can because the key to this entire journey is to look for the silver lining and keep your hopes high. If you give up your hope and positivity then all is lost and you willingly have surrendered to this fight. I mean yes of course there are going to be bad days and it may seem like there is no ray of sunshine or light at the end of the tunnel but you can’t lose hope because then what else do you have to hold on to. Cancer sucks and there’s no other way to describe it but every journey has an uphill climb no matter what route you take. You can try to avoid it, take a short cut, or even go around it but it’s not until you face the situation head on that you start to make progress even if it is just baby steps. A little progress is better than no progress and keeping your hopes high is what will get you through this no matter the situation in your life. If I have learned anything at all in these last couple of months the most important thing has to be to keep fighting no matter how much you want to quit, to keep the faith, to keep the hope, and to love beyond compare because in this life of ours we don’t know when our last day will be and to live like that will truly be our greatest adventure. 

Sincerely,

The Caregiver   ❤️ 

The Caring Heart

Posted on by becomingthecaregiver

When most people meet for the first time you automatically look at there appearance and judge there character based on what they’re wearing or look like and then come to find out after you get to know them they are completely different and nothing you ever expected. As I go to each and every treatment, blood test, and doctors appointment with my mom I’m constantly surrounded by people who have cancer and I’ve learned that some of the people although they might not look like “the normal” person does, some of these people are the most kind and wonderful people and have hearts that truly just care for everyone around them whether they are sick or completely healthy. They are so kind to me because they know what it’s like to be The Caregiver of a cancer patient and are always so encouraging. Each time I go with my mom for her chemo treatments there are so many people there in that one room and when some one receives good news everyone celebrates with them and when some one doesn’t get the greatest news they all have such a beautiful compassion for each other that it just melts your heart. My mom and I ventured out to the grocery store one day when she was feeling better and had some energy and she wore her cap that had a breast cancer ribbon on it and her pink warrior shirt. So many people looked at us differently because they could tell she was sick. Some were kind and mostly sympathetic but there were some very rude people who could care less and just gave us ugly looks and made nasty comments. This one woman didn’t even want to touch whatever it was that we touched because she was afraid she would “catch cancer.” So in all honesty I went up to the woman and touched all of the items in her basket and she became angered, scoffed at me, and walked away and I on the other hand put on my winning smile and laughed all the way to the check out line wishing her a grand rest of the day…..I’m only kidding, but I so wish I did! Anyway, in all honesty, I don’t care whether you’re sick, healthy, tall, short, chubby, thin, athletic, chill, or whatever it is that describes you and who you are in the end we all bleed red. We all have a heart that beats inside our chest and its what keeps us all alive. We all should have the kind of heart that yearns to help, love, care, and to be kind to others. No one in this entire world deserves to be unloved or uncared for. I have gained a new respect for people since embarking on this new journey of mine and I can only hope that others will to after reading this. So if you’re reading this, I hope that you not only like this post but comment you’re story of when you cared for some one or when some one went out of their way and cared for you and made you feel special in your life. 

Sincerely,

The Caregiver   ❤️